Macelf

MacElf

Act One

Scene One – Santa’s Workshop

Enter Santa, Mrs. Claus, Kirsty Elf, Spare Elves

SANTA: Ho ho ho! How are things in the workshop?

KIRSTY-ELF: Things are swell! MacElf is doing a great job making toys – our Jack-in-the-Box output is up 24%! I think you should consider MacElf for a promotion.

SANTA: Ho! What a great idea! He’s already Employee of the Month. Let’s make him Chief Elf as well!

Mrs CLAUS: A wonderful idea, darling! Let us celebrate after Christmas with all the cookies and milk!

Enter Johnny-Elf

JOHNNY-ELF: All the toys are away – Christmas was a great success! Rudolph and all of the other reindeer delivered the toys on time.

SANTA: Ho ho ho! By jings! That’s wonderful! Go greet MacElf with the title Chief Elf of the Workshop!

JOHNNY-ELF: I’m on my way, Santa!

Exit Johnny-Elf

SANTA: Ho ho ho!

Scene 2 - outside

Three Wise Men; MacElf walks by with Rudolph

FIRST WISEMAN: Hello MacElf, Employee of the Month!

SECOND WISEMAN: Hello MacElf, Chief Elf of the Workshop!

MACELF: What are you on about? I know I’m Employee of the Month, but I’m not the Chief Elf!

THIRD WISEMAN: Hello MacElf, who shall be Santa before next Christmas!

MACELF: Ok weirdo, whatever you say.

RUDOLPH: Are you fortune tellers?? What about me?

FIRST WISEMAN: Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer.

SECOND WISEMAN: Had a very shiny nose.

THIRD WISEMAN: And if you ever saw it, you would surely say –

ALL WISEMEN: It glows!

Exit wisemen.

RUDOLPH: (shouts after them): I already know that!

JOHNNY-ELF: MacElf! MacElf!

MACELF: What is it?

JOHNNY-ELF: You’re the new Chief Elf! Santa wants to see you right away in the workshop!

MACELF: Oh golly gosh! I’m so happy!

RUDOLPH: Settle down, love. Hey, those weirdos were right!

Scene 3 – Santa’s Workshop

Enter Santa, Mrs Claus, and Johnny-Elf

SANTA: Ho! Ho! Ho! Has MacElf been promoted yet?

MRS. CLAUS: They’re not back yet.

Enter MacElf and Rudolph.

SANTA: Welcome back! I have some great news.

RUDOLPH: You’re going on a diet?

SANTA: No! But I’ve decided that when I die, Mrs. Claus should become the next Santa.

MACELF: What?? That’s terrible.

SANTA: I know, I know, I don’t like to think about death either. Anyway, MacElf, since you’re the new Chief Elf of the workshop, let’s have a big party!

MACELF: Yeah, sure, great. Woo.

SANTA: Ok everyone, let’s get some rest! Great job with the toys.

Exit everyone.

Act 2

Scene 1 - Rudolph in workshop

Enter Macelf

RUDOLPH: Yo, anyone there??

MACELF: It’s MacElf, buddy.

RUDOLPH: Aren’t you in bed yet?

MACELF: I’m just going to join Santa and kill him.

RUDOLPH: WHAT???

MACELF: Huh? Nothing. I’m pretty tired.

RUDOLPH: Oh, yeah, me too, I’m off to bed. Cheerio!

MACELF: Sweet dreams!

Exit Rudolph
Candy cane appears

MACELF: Wow, what was in that egg nog earlier?? I must be trippin’, cause when I last checked candy canes do not float!
Santa, prepare to taste my cane!

Exit MacElf.
Enter Lady MacElf

LADY MACELF: I’ve sprinkled sherbet in the guards’ fizzy pop. They had a huge sugar rush, and now the come-down from the sugar has put them to sleep.

Enter MacElf

MACELF: Who’s there??

LADY MACELF: It’s me, my love.

MACELF: Aye, alright. I kinda… killed Santa. A bit.

LADY MACELF: Is he dead??

MACELF: Is that a joke? I just told you I killed him, you idiot.

LADY MACELF: Were you seen?

MACELF: No. Here, take the candy cane.

LADY MACELF: Tarr, love.

MACELF: Now go frame the guards.

Exit Lady MacElf.

Knocking on door
Enter Eggnog

EGGNOG: That fat guy still sleeping?

MACELF: Aye mate.

EGGNOG: I’ll go wake that lazy Santa.

Exit Eggnog
Eggnog yells off stage
Enter Eggnog, dragging Santa’s carcass

EGGNOG: Someone killed the fat man!!

MACELF: What the hell!?
It was, uh, him!

KIERAN-ELF: Excuse me?

Macelf kills him.

MACELF: Well, that settles that. So, uh, who’s gonna be the new Santa now, eh? (wink wink)

Enter Lady MacElf

LADY MACELF: What’s going on guys?

EGGNOG: You don’t want to know, man!

Enter Rudolph [looks at dead Santa]

RUDOLPH: Aw, dude, that sucks!!

MACELF: Yeah, I guess.

Enter Mrs. Claus.

MACELF: I’m afraid your husband’s dead.

MRS CLAUS: Oh no! Who killed him?

MACELF: That dead elf did. But don’t worry, I took care of him!

EGGNOG: Why did you kill that elf?

MACELF: Because he killed the fat guy!! You have a problem with that??

EGGNOG: Em, no.

MRS CLAUS: (aside) I don’t feel safe here! I’ve gotta get out of this place. Maybe my penguin friends in the south pole will help me.

Exit Mrs. Claus.

MACELF: Let’s get this body taken care of. We’ll meet up later to figure out what to do next.

Exit everyone. Enter Eggnog and Johnny-Elf

JOHNNY-ELF: Have you heard? MacElf is going to be the new Santa!

EGGNOG: Yeah, what’s up with that??

JOHNNY-ELF: I can’t believe he got the job. It was meant to be Mrs. Claus, but she’s nowhere to be found. Are you coming to the workshop to see him crowned?

Eggnog: Nah man, I cannae be bothered. I’m going to find Mrs. Claus. Catch you later!

Exit.

Macelf – ACT 3

Scene1

Enter Rudolph, Macelf wearing Santa hat

Rudolph: Congratulations on becoming the new Santa

Macelf: Thanks Rudolph! Are you coming to the milk and cookie feast tonight?

Rudolph: Aye that’s dandy I’ll be there at seven.

Macelf: Are you going for a walk this afternoon?

Rudolph: Aye my good friend.

Macelf: Ok, don’t forget about dinner .

Rudolph: I won’t!

(Rudolph Leaves)

Macelf: Hey guys come in here I need a favour.

(Enter the evil snowmen)

Evil Snowman #1: What do you want pal, hurry up we are melting

Macelf: Ehmmmm

Evil snowman 1: Well….

Macelf: Can you kill Rudolph? He’s busting my head.

Evil Snowman 2: Aye nae bother, just you tell me where and when and we’ll get it done

Macelf: Be at the front door for quarter to seven because red nose will be here at 7.

Snowman 3: Ok, sorted.

(Snowmen leave, enters Lady Macelf)

Macelf: I just arranged for Rudolph to be killed. I feel quite upset.

Lady Macelf: Aww who cares its fine, what can be done?

Macelf: I guess. Tough luck.

Scene 2 (Snowmen Outside)

Snowman1: Here comes Rudolph now!

Snowman2: Right - here is what we are going to do, on the count of three we jump out and stab him.

Snowman3: Get your branches ready - one two three go!

Enter Rudolph, snowmen stab him to death.

Scene 3 (At the meal)

Snowman 2:Psst! (call MacElf to corner) We’ve done what you asked for Macelf.

Macelf: Excellent, good job!

Snowman 2: thanks!
(Snowmen leave)

Macelf: (to lady Macelf) They killed Rudolph

Lady Macelf: Ok time for our feast of milk & cookies

(Enters the ghost of Rudolph)

Rudolph: Macelf, Macellllllllf!

Macelf: ArRRghh!!

Lady Macelf: What’s wrong?

Macelf: Can’t you see him?

Lady Macelf: See who?

Macelf: Rudolph’s ghost! He’s o, o, over there

Lady Macelf: You are seeing things come and sit down and wizen up!

Macelf: No I’m leaving.

Exit Macelf, followed by Rudolph’s Ghost

Johnny-elf: What’s his deal?

Eggnog: He’s a few peas short of a pod.

Johnny-Elf: The food’s good. But I don’t have any peas.

Eggnog: That’s nice.

Lady Macelf: Everybody go home.

Eggnog: Can I finish my cookies?

Lady Macelf: Eh, no.

Exit everyone except Lady Macelf

Lady Macelf: Well that’s the end of that.

Act 4

Scene 1

Enter 3 Wise Men

1st Wise Man: I sense MacElf will be here soon.
Enter MacElf

MacElf: I need to talk to you guys.

1st Wise Man: What about?

MacElf: Whats going to happen next?

2nd Wise Man: Beware, beware!

MacElf: Beware of what?

2nd Wise Man: Beware of Eggnog.

MacElf: The drink?

3rd Wise Man: No the person.

MacElf: That’s a stupid name. (MacElf laughs) What else?

3rd Wise Man: This sounds crazy, but when the Christmas tree walks across the workshop you’re going to die.

MACELF: Yeah, sure. Like that’s ever gonna happen.

1st Wise Man: Now you have been told. We are now leaving.

Exit Wise Men Enter Sam-Elf

MacElf: Where is Eggnog?

SAM ELF: What?

MacElf: Eggnog!

SAM ELF: Would you like a drink Sir?

MacElf: No you idiot! The person.

SAM ELF: Ohhh! He’s gone to the South Pole.

MacELF: Gosh darn-it!

Exit MacElf & Sam Elf

Scene 2 – in Santa’s Workshop

Enter Lady Eggnog &Johnny-Elf

Lady Eggnog: Why did my husband leave?

Johnny-Elf: I don’t know, Lady Eggnog.

Lady Eggnog: So why are you here?

Johnny-Elf: I don’t know.

LADY EGG-NOG: Are you here to warn me?

JOHNNY-ELF: Yes! Yes I am.

LADY EGG-NOG: Well?

JOHNNY-ELF: Don’t eat yellow snow.

LADY EGG-NOG: Anything else?

JOHNNY-ELF: And you might not be safe here.

LADY EGGNOG: Tarr.

Exit Johnny-Elf Enter Steph Elf

Steph Elf: You should leave this place. You’re not safe here.

Lady Eggnog: Why do people keep telling me that?

Exit Steph-Elf Enter MacElf

MacElf: Lady Eggnog! Where is your husband Eggnog?

Lady Eggnog: I don’t know.

MacElf: Liar!

MacElf kills Lady Eggnog

Scene 3 – south pole

Enter Mrs Claus and Eggnog

Mrs Claus: what are you doing here?

Eggnog: I’m here to see you.

Mrs Claus: What about?

Eggnog: MacElf! He is out of control.

Mrs Claus: What do you want me to do about it?

Eggnog: I want you to help me get rid of him.

Mrs Claus: Why, so you can become the new Santa?

Eggnog: No. So you can.

Mrs Claus: How do you plan on doing this?

Eggnog: I was hoping you had a plan.

Mrs Claus: Well, I have an army of penguins ready to fight.

Eggnog: Well what are we waiting for? Let’s go!

MRS CLAUS: Penguins! Assemble! Ten-hut!
[penguins salute]

Exit Mrs Claus, Eggnog, and Penguins

ACT 5

Scene 1

Johnny-Elf: I smell penguins. And Eggnog.

Claire-Elf: We’ll meet them at the Christmas tree

[the penguins and the elves meet up]

Eggnog: Alright, whats up?

Sam-Elf: No much erm fancy teaming together and kicking Macelfs behind?

Eggnog: Sure, why not. He did kind of kill my wife.

Sam-Elf: Oh yeah. That wasn’t very nice.

Eggnog: No, it wasn’t.

Other elves and penguins: Nah, nah etc.

Mrs. Claus: Fellow Elves & Penguins I hope MacElf's evil reign will soon come to an end.

Claire-Elf: It will Mrs. Claus.

Mrs. Claus: Quick everyone behind that Christmas tree!!

EggNog: Lets do this thing!!
[Everyone hides behind tree]

Scene 2

[enter MacElf and Kirsty]
MacElf: Ok toys!
They're coming!
They're no match for our strength
We'll send them home!

[Lady Macelf screams offstage]

What is that noise?

Kirsty-Elf: A woman screaming.

MacElf: I know that. Who screamed?

Kirsty-Elf: Your Missus has kicked the bucket Santa Macelf.

MacElf: Oh well. Did she at least make me cookies before she died?

Kirsty-Elf: No.

Macelf: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Enter Steph-Elf

Messenger-Steph: I seen something but I was probably trippin’.

MacElf: Tell me anyway.

Messenger-Steph: Well get this right, the Christmas tree was kinda eh walking this way ken…. Aye

MacElf: If you are lyin’ I’m gonna slap you lady.
If this is true we are in big trouble.

[tree moves closer]
Mrs.Claus: Everyone we are close enough. Now Eggnog lets do this thing.

Liam-Elf: Cya later.
Kill MacElf before he kills you.

MacElf: They are after me
But I will fight like a teddy bear!

[Enter Liam Elf]

Liam Elf: Whos that?

MacElf: You don’t wanna know dude.

Liam Elf: Tell me!

MacElf: I am Santa MacElf!

Liam Elf: OMG! The Devil himself couldn’t say anything more mingin’! I’m not scared o you!

[Fight. MacElf Stabs Liam Elf]

MacElf: Take that you wee bam ye.

[Liam Elf dies]

MacElf: Ha.

[Enter EggNog]

EggNog: Oi you! C’mere ya bam so I can stab you in the eye.

MacElf: Why my eye?

Eggnog: Why not? You’re dead pal.

MacElf: Bring it!

[Start fighting]

MacElf: You’ve nae chance.

Eggnog stabs Macelf.

MacElf: OWWW! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!!

Eggnog: Uh, you killed my wife, remember?

MacElf: Oh yeah. [dies] [in lots of terrible pain]

Eggnog exits with MacElf’s body.

[Enter Pengiuns and soldier elves. They kick the toys over. They cheer.]

Mrs. Claus: Ah, you’ve arrived safely then. Where’s Eggnog?

[Enter EggNog with MacElf's dead body]

EggNog: Alright Mrs Claus. Here’s MacElf’s dead body. Awesome ain’t it!

Kirsty-Elf: I guess that makes you the new Santa then, Mrs Claus!

Eggnog puts Santa’s bloody hat on Mrs. Claus.

Eggnog: All hail Mrs. Claus, the new Santa!

All: All hail the new Santa! Yaaaaaay!

Mrs Claus: Tarr love.

All: Merry Christmas everyone!

[The End]

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